It was bound to happen. Over the last year or five, white people have been grumbling into their gin ‘n tonics about Mr Zoomah and his kabal of petty thieves. Becky has complained about it to Patience when she vacuums her office. Even Todd, after performing and awkward hand shake has asked “Bongs from the office” what his view was. Naturally, neither of them listened particularly hard to the responses, if indeed any were forthcoming. Whiteness is a little hard of hearing that way.
But shit just got real. White people will be going to an ACTUAL protest on Friday. All you hear about at Fego is fervent chatter about whether it’s best to “march with Moosey in Joburg” or to “join Save SA” in Pretoria. Decisions, decisions.
Friday’s protest is going to be horribly middle class, so let me give you a lecture in Protest 101.
1. Wear Sneakers and socks. You’ll need to move fast when the Nyalas arrive.
2. Dont wear mascara. It doesn’t mix well with tear gas or pepper spray.
3. One among your number needs to mix up Rennies and water in a bottle – for the aforesaid pepper spray and tear gas. A quick squirt into each eye and you’ll be ready to toyi toyi to another rousing rendition of Shosholoza.
4. Wear a bandana – it will hide your face from SAPS spies who will be among the marchers. It also helps against tear gas.
5 Do NOT wear any outfit which looks military. It’s like catnip for the TRT and you’ll be whipped off in a van faster than you can say “but it’s Gucci”.
6 Do NOT sing kumbaya. Go onto You tube and do searches for Fees Must Fall or other struggle songs. Shosholoza is not a struggle song. And we don’t hold up lighters for Senzeni Na.
7 If you’re going to drink bottled water, it should be decanted into other bottles. No woolies, Evian or Perrier, darling.
8 No, you don’t get extra creds for bringing your helper or gardener. You will get extra Creds for giving them the day off. How they choose to spend it is up to them.
9 Carry proof of residence and ID with you. Without it, you won’t get bail. Yes, the police are required to RICA you.
10 Go onto the Right to Protest website and save their phone number in case you’re arrested. Have it on speed dial.
11 Berets aren’t a fashion statement. Unless you share the politics of the party, don’t wear one.
13 Please, no Madiba shirts. If you must wear a politician’s face on your chest, try Biko, Hani, Sankara, Guevara. Go, now, and learn who they are.
14. By the same token, quote them and not Madiba.
15. If you see anyone in an EFF beret or PAC regalia run, get out of there. Those guys are tough AF, if they’re running, shit is about to go down.
16 Please don’t tell your children to “listen to the nice officer”. The correct advice is “don’t upset the lapdog of the ruling hegemony”.
17. protest speeches start with shouts of “Amandla” and fists flung skyward. Go with it. The louder the better. Just not kumbaya! Listen to the shouts around you. Do not ask anyone what they mean.
18 attending this protest should be the start of your journey towards enlightenment. Not the pinnacle of it. For the love of glop, don’t brag about it to the black people at the gym!
19 The people in the crowd taking videos and pics are probably NOT uploading them to IG, they’re going in a nice file which will be kept at SAPS and titled “naughty white people who dont like uBaba”.
If you do go to this protest, don’t stop there. Don’t make it about your declining standard of living. If you’re going to protest, make it about more than white discomfort. Listen to the voices of black people. Don’t speak over them. Don’t question.